How to be a false prophet
One of the things I do with my GTA walk-throughs is try to make you self-suf-
ficient. Why should you sit around wondering if some guy that fleeced the flock
with a prophesy routine may have been onto something when you can bilk them
yourself--what good is his money to you? No, no, no. Seriously, I can show you
how the phony did it, a sort of walk-through for the false prophesy game, with-
out any more divine intervention required than they had, which might help you be
a little better at being critical about such claims.
1. Make a ridiculously arrogant claim of exclusiveness
To out-do the exclusiveness of the JWs leaders' claim to be of a literal
144,000 (Rev.7:1-8; 14:1-5) of the most righteous Christians, find a smaller
symbolic number in Daniel, Ezekiel, Revelation, or in figurative language that
appears elsewhere, and take it literally as referring to the small group of peo-
ple who are the only ones going to heaven.
You and your group that agrees with everything you say, which includes that
you're their leader, are the only ones going to heaven. Everyone else that
agrees with everything you say but falls short of perfection is going to Para-
dise on Earth. You're the only one being guided by God, so you're the only one
who can handle the big things, like ruling your group on Earth, helping Jesus
rule everyone on Earth from heaven, privately counseling prophet groupies, and
investing the money.
A few examples of small groups to reinterpret:
24: "Around the throne were twenty-four thrones; and upon the thrones I saw
twenty-four elders sitting, clothed in white garments, and golden crowns on
their heads." (Rev.4:4)
Seven: "Out from the throne come flashes of lightning and sounds and peals of
thunder And there were seven lamps of fire burning before the throne, which are
the seven Spirits of God." (Rev.4:5)
Four: "...and before the throne there was something like a sea of glass, like
crystal; and in the center and around the throne, four living creatures full of
eyes in front and behind." (Rev.4:6)
One: "And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from
God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband." The "bride" is usually taken
to mean all saved Christians. Take it to refer to just one follower taken to
Jesus in heaven--yourself. We'll show those JWs leaders a thing or to about be-
ing self-absorbed. (Rev.21:2)
2. Make ridiculously exclusive rules
You can't affect exclusiveness with the basics--what's best-attested to about
what's meant by the Bible by good reasoning and the best evidence (believe in
God, don't lie, don't steal, don't murder....). You have to pad the exclusive-
ness with some fluky rules or why would anyone think you were exclusive (and
just give their church money to you)?
You could tell followers that your assistants, who are closer to the light,
have to take Matt.19:12 literally as a rule: " For there are eunuchs who have
been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and
there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom
of heaven. He who is able to receive this, let him receive it." Jesus himself
said it and nobody wants to use it. Pick tenors for assistants, and it could
keep people from checking too closely if your assistants want to fool around on
the side, too.
I haven't researched it a lot, but I think Origen (p.9), in his last writings,
had a created personal holy spirit nobody else used. Combine it with the
created Jesus you worship used by the JWs leaders till 1954 (p.1a), change
the Father to an Uncle, and change the heavenly host to someone that announces
him at the start of talk shows. Keep predicting that in a few years there will
be a second fulfillment of the rain of toads (Ex.8:1-4) which will eat too much
then make it too slippery to walk anywhere outdoors. When you claim you're ex-
clusive, others, regardless of their beliefs, will say, "Yes, you are, buddy."
At Rev.7:10b "Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the
Lamb." Reinterpreted by you, "God" is meant figuratively and means you, "the
lamb" is figurative and means you can take your dog, the characters in verse 12
are part of a Metatron cartoon show on TV, and verses 13-17 are a laundry com-
mercial. It all means it's okay for you to sit around the house and watch TV.
At Rev.10:9-11 (also Eze.3:1-3), you'll be asked to review a competing cult
group's claims of exclusiveness: "So I went to the angel and asked him to give
me the little scroll. He said to me, 'Take it and eat it. It will turn your
stomach sour, but in your mouth it will be as sweet as honey.' I took the lit-
tle scroll from the angel's hand and ate it. It tasted as sweet as honey in my
mouth, but when I had eaten it, my stomach turned sour. Then I was told, 'You
must prophesy again about many peoples, nations, languages and kings.'"
3. Prove your ridiculously exclusive rules
Catch 22: you're not going to be able to prove your ridiculously exclusive
rules by good reasoning based on the best evidence or your rules wouldn't be so
exclusive. Nobody else requires agreement with the damn dumb things, but that's
good. You're going to have to lie for this, but you've proven you were able to
cross over that line already. Try not to let yourself get caught around a group
of people where rocks are available.
You're supposed to be exclusive, so show a lot of damnation for anyone that
doesn't agree with everything you say--everyone else. Use the propaganda meth-
ods bigotty groups use--look for the worst reports about them and just show
those as if it characterized them. Any and all criticism aimed at you comes
from slanderous enemies who hate God. Affect indignence tempered by the saintly
patience of one who keeps their eye on higher things.
If you don't know any bad things about some other group, lie: "Don't be a Bel-
gian. They don't finish what's on their plates and they worship pancakes."
Make sure to tell followers not to talk to anyone of that group, though: "Don't
ask them what they think about that. They're wily serpents who twist the truth
and confuse you into straying from the light."
4. Make a prediction for the return of Jesus
The star of the false prophesy show is the visible return of Jesus--about a
generation into the future. Nobody wants to hear about an invisible Jesus that
appeared in the past--throw that 1914 dinosaur into the tar pit and make Jesus
return visibly in the future.
Don't put him too soon in the future--if you get a profitable scam going, it
will be blown before you can milk it for much. Don't put him too far into the
future or people won't get worked up about seeing him soon. A generation or so
(like about 1914 if you were making the claim in the 1870's, for example) is
good and seems to have been frequently chosen for the way this is done.
4a. Pick an historically important-sounding starting date
For a starting date, don't use 606 or 607 BC--Jerusalem fell in 587 or 586 BC,
so use one of those so you don't have people crabbing about that. The JWs lead-
ers may be stuck with 607 BC, but there's no reason you have to be. Make a pro-
duction about having the corrected date while you're at it.
You might also use 33 AD and pretend you're positive that's the year Jesus was
crucified, but too many people realize that's uncertain. You could also use 70
AD--the fall of Jerusalem at the end of the second temple period.
4b. Use long time periods
To make the first big jump, from your historically important-sounding starting
date to somewhere near the present, use the long time periods used before for
One is at Daniel 7:25--a time, times, and half a time. A month was 30 days.
Time is one year = 360 days, times is two years = 720 days, and a half time is
half a year = 180 days, which adds up to 1,260 days. 1,260 days = 1,260 years
Another option for a long time period is to Use the 2,520 years Nelson Barbour
used to get from 606 BC to 1914 AD, later corrected by Russell to 1915 AD. Bar-
bour got 2,520 by adding seven 360 day years together for 2,520. "Seven times"
is from Dan.17:4, not that anything about the Bible indicates you need to do
this with it.
The JWs leaders interpret Dan.4:17 (seven times will pass over the lowliest of
men, etc.) to refer not just to Nebuchadnezzar but to Jesus, apply the days as
years idea to it, and start the count with their outdated interpretation of
Jerusalem falling in 607 BC. To not accept it is to reject arbitrary numerology
that led to batch of false prophesies, mainly about an Armageddon that wouldn't
show up, by Russell and later JWs leaders (p.1a), not reject something indicated
by the Bible. It hasn't stopped millions of people from falling for it, though,
so it must be a pretty good gimmick. Require agreement about it for salvation.
4c. Use short time periods
Once you get near the present, the idea is to use any short time periods you
need to use to put your ultimate prophesy--the visible return of Jesus--about a
generation into the future.
In the late 1880's, Russell used 115 years to get from 1799 to 1914, calling
the 1874 to 1914 segment of it 40 years of trouble.
The Time of the End:
1,260 days = 115 years: 1799 to 1914
Russell called the last 40 years of those The End or Harvest:
3 1/2 plus 3 1/2 plus 33 = 40 years of Jewish harvest paralleled to a Chris-
For a 7 year period, Russell used 29 to 33 to 36 AD, the beginning of Jesus'
ministry to crucifixion to sending Peter to teach to Cornelius, the 1st Gentile
convert (Acts 10), and called it a Jewish trial, taking place amid Judaism, par-
allel to 1874 to 1878 to 1881 AD taking place amid Christendom (derogatory sense
meant--the ones who are supposed to have the true faith but don't).
Look around in his writings, subsequent JWs leaders' writings, Miller's writ-
ings, whatever, for little time periods and rationalizations for them and use
what you need. Don't worry that you need a clear scriptural reason for it--he
never had one. Think of the money and have fun.
4d. Characterize your time periods
Go to Wikipedia and put a year (1939, etc.) in the search engine. For many
AD years, you'll get lots of results of good and bad things that happened that
year. Make the facts fit the theory: for a period of bad things, go through
years of the period and find the worst things that happened during it for your
presentation. For a group of people, do that and propagandize to mischaracter-
ize the whole group as you need to. You might toss in a few other things, too,
just to make your list sound important.
5. One possible prophesy of the return of Jesus:
587 BC the fall of Jerusalem
587 BC + 2,520 years (seven times 360 days then counting days as years)
= 1893 AD
1893 was the start of 40 years of financial problems, Gandhi's secret preju-
dice, fruits changed into vegetables, while people listened to music and paid no
(undated) Global financial panic occurs (Panic of 1893)
January 12 - Hermann Göring, Nazi official born (d. 1946)
April 8 - First recorded college basketball game occurs in Beaver Falls,
Pennsylvania between the Geneva College Covenanters and the New Brighton YMCA.
Once we condone our young Beaver athletes moving their bodies around to make ag-
gressive passes and see who can get the most shots through the rim, who knows
what they'll do next?
May 5 - Panic of 1893: Crash on the New York Stock Exchange started a depres-
May 10 - The United States Supreme Court legally declared the tomato to be a
vegetable. (And it wasn't a vegetable before--that's the miraculous thing.)
June 27 - The NYSE crashes
Song "Happy Birthday To You" by Mildred J. Hill and Patty Smith Hill first
published in the book "Song Stories for the Kindergarten"
July 3 - Mississippi John Hurt, American musician (d. 1966) "Goodnight Irene,"
Antonín Dvorák - Symphony no. 9 in E minor, "From the New World"
Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky - Symphony no. 6 in B minor, "Pathétique"
OK, in my religion, music is good. I just added those things because they
If you run out of useful material, use quotes out of context misrepresenta-
tively to make material useful, and name the sources as supportive. See if you
can find the following description of Gandhi in the Wikipedia article at the
next link for an example of using Wikipedia to substantiate a spurious claim.
"He was the pioneer of...tyranny through mass...violence...across the world."
"Upon his return to India, he organized...widespread discrimination." "(in
1893) he accepted a year-long contract from an Indian firm to a post in...dis-
crimination commonly directed at blacks and Indians."
1893 + 40 years (like Russell's 1874 to 1914 40 year span) = 1933
1933 was the start of 115 years of the Times of Trouble
January 30 - Nazi co-founder Adolf Hitler was appointed Chancellor of Germany
by President of Germany (top that, JWs leaders smart-asses)
February 18 - Yoko Ono, Japanese-born singer and artist, wife of John Lennon,
was born, making sounds very much like she did on her first recordings.
Great Depression: President Franklin D. Roosevelt declared a "bank holiday",
closing all United States banks and freezing all financial transactions (the
'holiday' ended on March 13).
First recording of earthquake strong ground motions, 10 March 1933 Long Beach
(California) Earthquake, by an accelerograph network installed in 1932 by the
U.S. Coast and Geodetic Survey. Add some JWs leaders' earthquake propaganda to
March 15 - Rutherford taught that most JWs couldn't eat at the Lord's Supper
ceremony like him. Only the "remnant," the 144,000, could eat the bread of the
Lord's Supper and "show forth his death and participate in his joy, which is
common only to those who are in unity with Christ and Jehovah." Other JWs were
now called "Jonadabs"--"the Great Crowd." ("The Watchtower," March 15, 1933,
I bet he was bombed out of his head when he wrote that.
March 20 - Dachau, the first Nazi concentration camp, was completed - opened
March 23 - The Reichstag passed the Enabling Act, making Adolf Hitler dictator
April 7 - Beer was legalized in the U.S., eight months before the full repeal
of Prohibition on December 5, 1933, which is perhaps the most enduring legacy of
Rutherford's contributions that effected a change in national policy...not his
"Booze" editorial--it was a common reaction to his WBBR radio program.
April 27 - Stahlhelm organizations joined the Nazi party
May 10 - In Germany, the Nazis staged massive public book burnings.
Paraguay declared war on Bolivia
May 26 - Nazi party in Germany introduced law to legalize eugenic steriliza-
June 13 - German Secret State Police (Gestapo) was established
undated Nazi Germany formed the Expert Committee on Questions of Population
and Racial Policy under Reich Interior Minister Wilhelm Frick.
undated The United States Federal Government ended Prohibition and outlaws
cannabis. Large shipments of whiskey from Canada to San Diego were halted.
1933 + 115 years = 2048 Jesus' 2nd coming; Rev.1:7 "all eyes will see"
(translucent for few weeks leading up to it, during which time he can walk
6. Another possible prophesy of the return of Jesus:
586 BC the fall of Jerusalem
586 BC + 2,520 years (seven times 360 days then counting days as years)
= 1894 AD
1894 was the start of the Times of Delusions of Grandeur
March 12 For the first time, Coca-Cola was sold in bottles, fueling exces-
sive writing sprees about prophesies and numerology.
(undated) the Hershey Company is founded, further fanning the flames into a
frenzy. Strange bearded men were seen murmuring indecipherable things about the
end being nigh while sucking on a soda pop and clutching a candy bar.
Arthur Conan Doyle released The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes, a collection of
short stories about a heroically deductive cocaine addict.
Karl Marx released Das Kapital
April 26 Rudolf Hess, Nazi official, was born (d. 1987)
1894 + 40 years (like Russell's 1874 to 1914 40 year span) = 1934
1934 was the start of 115 years of the Times of Trouble
January 1 Nazi Germany passed the "Law for the Prevention of Hereditarily
February 9 Rutherford sent a letter of protest to Hitler, threatening that
if Hitler didn't have his men stop harassing JWs (not marked for extermination
by Hiter like the Jews, but a political nuisance), Rutherford would begin at-
tacking Hitler with Watchtower tracts (see p.6). The harassment increased.
March 20 All the police forces in Germany came under command of Heinrich
August 2 Adolf Hitler became Führer of Germany, becoming head of state as
well as Chancellor.
(date?) Rutherford started the practice of having JWs employ sound trucks to
play recorded speeches of Rutherford's through loudspeakers. In 1937, he had
JWs start taking them door to door with wind up phonograph players. The records
were made from 1934 to 1942.
Which recordings will history remember as more indulgent and annoying--these
or the early ones of screaming by Yoko, born 1933? Tough call. Yoko didn't
want people to get beat up, though, so I'll say Rutherford.
October 7 Rutherford has the followers send a telegram to step up the threat
to Hitler: "Your ill-treatment of Jehovah's witnesses shocks all good people of
earth and dishonors God's name. Refrain from further persecuting Jehovah's wit-
nesses; otherwise God will destroy you and your national party." (On Jan.9,
1935, the first documented case of a JW incarcerated in Moringen concentration
camp was Anna Seifert.)
1934 + 115 years = 2049 Jesus' 2nd coming; Rev.1:7 "all eyes will see" as in
"hear," which is different. A few will claim to smell something like Old Spice.
7. The sting (1 Cor.15:56)
Now that you have a structure of exclusive doctrines and prophesy particulars,
use them as a guide and search the daily news to find reasons to badmouth every-
one else. Everyone else is a big group, most people never heard of your rules,
and things happen every day, so this doesn't require any special imagination or
creative writing ability.
Describe your findings as Biblically, historically, contextually, scientifi-
cally, empirically, hermetically, etc., proven. A lot of your followers don't
double check these things and it sounds impressive. Tell followers to show pro-
spective customers the prophesy and ask, "How else could these things happen on
schedule unless it was ordained by God? And how else would we know if it
weren't for (your name goes here)?"
Teach them that one of the most important works they must do for salvation is
to go door to door to tell anyone who will listen to give them a suggested dona-
tion amount, then divest themselves of their worldly gain and send it all to
8. Honor among thieves
The point of all this to bring to bear on the JWs leaders' bid for exclusive-
ness is that you can come up with something just as good without any special
revelation at all. Just ask yourself what you'd be doing if you did that and
said only the people who agreed were going to heaven. Speaking for myself, I'd
be lying, but you decide for yourself. I recommend you don't really use it to
fleece the flock, but if you do, don't go so far for exclusiveness that any of
the distinctive requirements for salvation you cook up cause anyone to get hurt
or killed. You're a crook but not a complete schmu*k.